Tomb Robber You Are NOT
by Neko-chan -Silvered Tongue
Summary: Full Title: 'Ryou Bakura---Tomb Robber You Are NOT' Yami Bakura's POV of the episode where Jyou is battling in the specter duel...and Ryou sets off all the traps. Beware of stupidity. ^_^;;
1. Part One

Ryou Bakura--Tomb Robber You Are NOT

By: Neko-chan

  
  


A/N: Neee... Anyway, I was just able to get seasons one and two in the original Japanese format and I've been watching them for the past several days. My favorite episode still has to be the episode where Jyounouchi is battling against the specter cards underground...and Ryou keeps on getting into traps. But there's a problem with this. Some people say that it really and truly IS Ryou falling into traps. Other people say that it's actually Yami Bakura, purposely falling into traps so that he could trick the others. Sooo...this fic will have two chapters, one told from Yami Bakura in his Soul Room, and the second chapter will deal with him actually falling into the traps.

Just to let you know--Yami Bakura will be very... Hmmm, what's the word? Oh, yeah. Stupid. He's going to be very stupid in this fic. Why? True--he and Yami Yuugi are my favorite characters...but I like to torture them more. D Heh. Anyway, enjoy! ^_^

DISCLAIMER: 

Black Magician: *sighs* Why is it always ME that ends up doing your disclaimers, Neko-chan?

Urusei! Just get it over with, already! _

Black Magician: ...¬.¬;; Neko-chan doesn't own Yu-Gi-Oh!. True, she wouldn't mind getting her hands on Yami Yuugi, Yami Bakura, Malik, Yami Malik, Ryou, Yuugi, myself, Elf Swordsman, and Kaiba...but we can thank RA (repeatedly and with many hymns of thanks) that this is NEVER going to happen. The worse thing that she could ever possibly do is write fiction about us. *sighs* Which she does, anyway. -.-;;

...you are such a smart aleck, Black Magician. _

  
  
  
  
  
  


PART ONE: In Which Yami Bakura Bemoans The Fact That His Hikari Is A Klutz

  
  


Heh. Stupid Pharaoh. He thought that he was able to defeat me. He thought that he was able to destroy me--sending me to the graveyard instead of hikari-twerp. What a fool. I guess he never realized that it's impossible to get rid of me while my hikari is still in possession of the Sennen Ring. I guess he really does deserve the title of Pharaoh no Baka! If he actually manages to beat Pegasus J. Crawford in a duel, I'll... Well, I don't really KNOW what I'll do, but it'll be something drastic...

Hmmm... I wonder what they are doing right now, though. It's hard to hear things while I'm in my Soul Room, but snatches of conversation still come to me. It seems as if Jyounouchi got lost somewhere along the way. But... Is he truly lost or did something happen to me? Hn. I wonder how long it'll take for them to figure it all out. They're all fools!

My hikari is going into an underground cave. Why? Can't he see that it's just a trap? How could anyone be so damn stupid? NANI?! The Pharaoh no Baka is following him?! STUPID STUPID STUPID!! IIE! Can't you all see that this is just a trap? We're going to get locked in here, I just know it. 

HIKARI!!! What are you DOING?! DON'T touch the coffin! No, stop moving your legs! Don't go any closer! Stupid! Baka! I swear, if you even THINK about touching that coffin----

My hikari is an idiot.

And now he's running around in circles with that girl, Anzu, with a skeleton attached to his back. I'd whack him upside the head if I had the chance to. Really and truly--my hikari is an idiot. Hmmm... I wonder how long it'll take before hikari realizes that the skeleton attached to his body is a fake? Hikari no Baka.

Still running around in circles...

Hasn't stopped yet...

Still running...

No, not yet, either...

Gaaah... When will hikari finally just realize that it's a FAKE?! A FAKE, HIKARI! If I was weak like that Pharaoh no Baka, I would probably burst into tears at how I got stuck with such a... A... Well, an idiot for a hikari! Blech...

...FINALLY!!!

I have to remember to give Honda a fast death when I finally take over the world using the Sennen Items. It's humiliating--watching my hikari run around and around in circles, just waiting for him to finally notice that the skeleton that was draped over his shoulders was fake. And if I wasn't such an evil yami, I would probably even thank Honda. But I'm not. So, HA!

Hikari no Baka...

Pharaoh no Baka...

Maybe they should have ended up as the yami and hikari pair, ne? Hmmm... Maybe something that I have to look further into. It's worth looking further into, anyway. After all, how else will I get his Sennen Puzzle? Heh. It _will_ be mine, the Pharaoh no Baka...

Hmmm? Nani? What's that sound? It seems as if it's coming from behind us, but no one is behind us, right? So what can that be? It sounds big, whatever it is...

Oh. My. Ra.

RUN! RUN, HIKARI!!! Move those legs! Faster! Faster! Move faster, Ra damn you! Can't you move ANY FASTER?! The boulder is catching up on us! FASTER!!! Gah!! When I possess his body, why couldn't I have decided to have longer legs?! Either way, we're screwed!

AAAAHHHH!!!!

RUN FASTER, HIKARI-TWERP!!!

...damn. It was all just another illusion. Another trap. True, I was a Tomb Robber when I was alive... Maybe I'm losing my edge? No way. It has to completely be hikari's fault. After all, _I_ knew that the boulder was a fake all along! Heh. I did--really. Hikari-twerp couldn't see that, though.

Hmmm... I wonder... When I finally meet Pegasus, should I just kill him for all of the traps that he's leaving for us? (And if I decide on this choice, I'll make sure that it's a very LONG and very PAINFUL death... Heh. Blood.) Or do I just want to take the Sennen Eye and cause as much psychological damage as I possibly can? Decisions, decisions. Never mind, anyway. I'll just do both. Heh.

ACK!

HIKARI, DON'T STEP THERE! DON'T STEP THERE! IIE! DON'T STEP THERE, HIKARI-TWERP!!!

Iie... Another trap that he fell into. Why do I feel like bursting into tears? He's my hikari--wouldn't it make sense that some of my talents would have passed on to him? Pharaoh no Baka's hikari is an extraordinary duelist. Why couldn't I have a hikari that can go five steps without tripping over his own feet or stepping into trap after trap? Just a LITTLE bit of my Tomb Robber capabilities--that's all I ask for. Is that really and truly too much to ask for???

IIE!

YOUR FEET!! YOUR FEET!! LOOK BEFORE YOU STEP, HIKARI-TWERP!!!

Iie... Not AGAIN.

  
  
  
  


A/N: Heh. Kinda short, I know. ^_^;; But that segment of the episode was kinda short--and I just HAD to get this out of my head. I hope it made you laugh, anyway.

Yami Bakura: I hate you.

^__________________^ Heh. And I adore you, Yami Bakura! *_*

Yami Bakura: o.o;;

LOL! Anyway, I'll put up the second part to this after I update a couple of my other stories. (I.E.: What Is Forever? and Elemental Magick.) Buuut...expect the second part sometime soon! ^_~ So review and make a cat-girl happy, ne? Onegai?


	2. Part Two

Ryou Bakura--Tomb Robber You Are NOT

By: Neko-chan

  
  


A/N: Am in weird/stupid mood. Have "You Can Ring My Bell" stuck in head. Will go insane and/or drag several characters into insanity as well. Also---Decided to actually FINISH something. *ducks objects thrown at her* Once again: Beware. Yami Bakura--though thoroughly and deliciously evil--is very, very stupid in this story. End of Warning.

DISCLAIMER: *hisses at readers*

  
  
  
  
  
  


PART TWO: In Which Bakura Takes On The Role Of A Hikari To Trick The PharaohBaka

  
  


I smell.

Really, I do.

I mean--let's see how well YOU smell when you walk around this Ra-forsaken island for at LEAST two days. This body has not seen hide nor hair of a shower, toilet, and WATER in those two days. I think that both hikari-twerp and I have forgotten what deodorant looks like.

Yeah.

It's THAT bad.

The only good thing about not hiding in my Soul Room like Pharaoh no Baka (HA! PharaohBaka, more like it!) is that I get full and complete control of hikari-twerp's body. MINE! MY BODY! HA! Mine mine mine mine~!!! Bad thing: Must still answer to its calls. (Yes, we didn't have toilets and showers and all in ancient Egypt... But I've gotten used to this century! I MISS MY BUBBLE BA-- Errr... I mean, I miss my showers. Yeah... That's what I meant...)

It's not just that, though. We're led by an idiot. True, PharaohBaka's hikari-twerp is stupid enough on his own, but most of the important decisions are made BY PharaohBaka. Why do I have the niggling suspicion that we've been wandering around in circles for the past day or two? I mean-- That tree looks MIGHTY familiar.

True, all of the trees look familiar.

We ARE in a forest, after all.

But I swear to Ra that we passed THAT tree an hour ago!

To top it all off, PharaohBaka's hikari-twerp's best friend went missing. Everyone thinks that he got lost. I happen to agree. (He is, after all, stupid enough to do just that.) But hikari-twerp has been clamoring in his Soul Room--he says that something else has happened to PharaohBaka's hikari-twerp's best friend. (Ha! Bet you can't say that five times fast!) So, yeah. Besides listening to the whole group go "Where do YOU think Jyounouchi went???" I also get to hear my hikari-twerp go, "But I just KNOW that he didn't get lost! I just KNOW it!"

Gee.

That's nice.

Like I _care_.

The only reason why I'm here is actually a very simple reason. I want the Sennen Items. PharaohBaka's hikari-twerp HAS a Sennen Item. PharaohBaka's hikari-twerp won't let me anywhere NEAR the Sennen Item if he finds out who I really am. Hence, I get to act like pansy assed hikari-twerp. Yes. You can tell how much fun I'm having, can't you?

Where does he buy his CLOTHES, anyway?

Hmmm...?

Cave?

Go in?

Sur-- 

WAITAMINUTE!!!

NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!

Can't you see, you idiots? Cave = Trap! It's the oldest trick in the book! Don't go in, don't go in, don't go in, you aren't STUPID enough to go in-- Damn it. I hate being wrong. Why does no one ever listen to me? I mean, sure, I'm evil, psychotic, sadistic, maybe even a little insane... But they don't KNOW that!!! They think that I'm sweet innocent gag-me-with-a-spoon hikari-twerp.

Yes, hikari-twerp. I'm talking about you.

No, I will NOT take that back. It's true, so --insert tongue sticking out here--.

WHAT did you say to me?! No, I will NOT take back what I said to you because I'm evil and psychotic and you're not. Huh? Why? Because I AM. So HA!

I win~! I win~! I win~! --once again, insert sticking out tongue HERE---

ACK!

Feet!

Stop moving! Now! I said to stop moving!!!!

WHY AREN'T YOU STOPPING?!

STOP!!!

I wonder if my shifting gaze will alert them to the fact that I'm NOT hikari-twerp? ... Naaah. They'll just think that hikari-twerp is scared. See? I TOLD you that I'm always ignored and that everyone thinks that MY hikari-twerp is a pansy ass! Hmmm... Feet. Still walking. Deeper into the cave.

DEEPER INTO THE CAVE?!

Gaaah... Everyone around me are idiots. Idiots, I say! FOOLS!!! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

No, hikari-twerp. I am NOT insane.

Am still getting weird looks. Am now worried what they think of hikari-twerp's mental state. (No, Honda, hikari-twerp is NOT insane. I am! ... Did I just contradict myself again? Damn.)

Now, let's see, let's see. If I was hikari-twerp (which I a technically am, but still not-am, but then again--am, and yet if you look at it from THIS perspective...), what would I do?

Must now smack head against something hard for 'brilliant' ideas.

Ooowww... Said smacking into something hard for 'brilliant' ideas was NOT such a brilliant idea. Bad News: May have a concussion from running full tilt into the wall. Good News: Group's suspicions that I am NOT hikari-twerp have gone away. Like I said--They're all idiots, every last one of them.

Still pondering first question... Brain still hurts. Must remember not to run into walls quite so hard next time. (Yes, I DO learn my lesson, hikari-twerp. Now shut up before I MAKE you shut up. ... Was that attitude I heard from you? HA! Yes--it was. Don't make me go in there. ... Heh. Thought so, hikari-twerp.)

Hmmm... Still pondering the pondering of the pondering of the question. (Did that even make sense? Must be my superior intellect to all of yours! --insert sticking tongue out here--)

. . .

Answer has come!

Answer: If I was hikari-twerp, I would most definitely walk repeatedly into traps.

Commence: Operation Trick PharaohBaka With Hikari-Twerp Act

~Run around with a plastic skeleton attached to my back

~Run away as fast as I can from an inflatable boulder

~Jump at every shadow

~Jump into Honda's arms

~Act stupid

~Act like hikari-twerp. (Wait. Never mind. Numbers five and six are the same! Heh.)

~Randomly run around, screaming my head off.

~Fall over a lot.

~Walk right into traps I could have spotted a mile away.

  
  


Ra, how I hate my life.

  
  


~Owari~


End file.
